- What Happens If We Breakup While Living Together?
- Best Ways to Breakup Without Hurting Her Feelings Too Much
- How to Cope When Your Friends Become Her Friends
- She is Making It Hard to Breakup
- Signs You Should Breakup
- When to Run!
- Why Are You Back in This Situation Again? Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes!
- Getting Yourself Back into the Dating Game
- How to Break Up with a Stage Five Clinger
- Breaking the Breakup-Makeup Cycle
- Dealing with the Grief After a Breakup
What Happens If We Breakup While Living Together?
The super sticky situation: There’s no other option but to stay living together for a while If the only option is to stay living together after you break up – until you can afford to move out – then both of you need to be careful to keep things civil. In this case, it might be wise to come to a living together agreement. This might include rules like no bringing anyone else home (this will usually be a given!), letting each partner have nights at home by themselves (the other might head to the movies or a friends for the evening), and not bringing up issues with your relationship. The best way to approach living together as ex’s is to act like they are a housemate you tolerate and live with because you have to – a housemate you really don’t want to annoy. The best break up advice (apart from what our quick quiz will reveal to you!) is to be courteous, but keep conversation to critical interactions
most of the time.
Best Ways to Breakup Without Hurting Her Feelings Too Much
Is ending a relationship ever easy? Hell to the no! But – there are certain things that you can do to make them as smooth as possible – such as using our quick quiz to find out the best way to do it. There are ways to let her down gently, so she doesn’t have a bitter taste in her mouth about the experience, or go slagging you off too much to her friends. Take the high road and be the best guy you can be about it when it comes to break up. You care about her and her feelings, you just don’t want to be with her, so try and treat her with the most respect possible.
Here are our most relevant words of wisdom in how to deal with a break up for the gentleman dump-er…
Always do it face to face
Don’t be a d-bag. Messages, emails, voicemails, and especially ghosting are not the way to go. If you care about her feelings, then you need to break up with her face to face – preferably at her house so she is in a safe place. While breaking up in a public place seems like it could be the right move, this is only really smart if you think she’ll go next level crazy on you if you do it in private. Otherwise she’ll just be embarrassed for crying while you’re out for dinner – and wonder why you couldn’t have done it at home.
While it’s cliché – “it’s not you, it’s me”
When you’re looking to break up with her, chances are that she really is a great girl, she’s just not for you – or you’re not ready. Our break up advice is that you should reiterate how wonderful she is, but you are just at the wrong part of your life to be with somebody like her. Even if she hits back with nasty comments, remember that it’s just her lashing out. Be the better person and try and talk to her calmly and without any malice.
Give her a break up gift
Gift your soon-to-be ex with a break up gift that she’ll really appreciate. This will help to cushion the blow and leave her with fonder memories of you once you’re gone. A little strange? Maybe, but a gift works wonders when breaking up with someone. It might be something like a really nice bottle of wine, a voucher for the salon, or tickets for her and a friend to a comedy show. It’s best to give gifts that are consumables or an experience – so she doesn’t have an item lying around reminding her of you that might make her teary.
Footnote: If it’s because you’ve met someone else
Every so often a relationship ends because you meet someone else, someone that you just know is going to be your soulmate. It’s important to break it off with your current girlfriend as soon as possible in this case – use our quick quiz to find out the best way to do it. You will need to tell her in the gentlest way possible that you’ve met someone. While it might be crushing, it isn’t anything compared to if she found out that you were lying about the reason for the break up. Do her a solid and tell the truth – and make sure to keep your new relationship off social media for a while.
How to Cope When Your Friends Become Her Friends
Strange things happen during the break up. One of the strangest things that can happen is reassessing your own friendships. You and your girlfriend have shared friends while you have been together. And sometimes, just sometimes, getting over a break up (even if you’ve followed our advice on the best way to break up by using our quick quiz) can cause as much strain on shared friendships as it can do on the people who are breaking up.
You’ll probably find that some of your friends are devastated to hear that you’re breaking up. This might be because they thought you were so happy together, or it may be because they really, really got on well with your ex. You might even find that some of your original friends gravitate towards her more during the breakup.
This isn’t something that reflects poorly on you – sometimes you just click more with some people than others. It stands to reason that some of your friends will have a great rapport with your ex. You shouldn’t feel like you’ve been “betrayed” by these friends, rather think of it as their natural clicking with each other. For some (many?) of your friends, a break up is no reason to ice her out. We’re all adults here (or at least pretending to be), right?
Here are our words of advice to the wise when it comes to that intertwined friendships conundrum:
Don’t do this: Demand your friends choose sides
Ok, so you’re hurt that some of your friends really like her (maybe even more than they like you). That is your ego speaking right there. And making decisions based on the ego doesn’t generally go down too well, particularly in a situation like this.
When you’re breaking up, causing conflict with your friends is one of the dumbest things that you can do. You want their support during this time, don’t you?! Demanding your friends choose sides will just make you look immature and you’ll come across as the bad guy – perhaps even driving them more towards her, giving you a jarring friendship breakup to go along with your actual break up!
Consider this: Drift away from some of your friends who she clicked better with
When your girlfriend has become best buds with a few of your friends over the course of your relationship, sometimes it’s better to just let her have them. If it’s not your best friends or inner inner circle, then it’s fine to simply let them connect and you may just end up drifting away from them a little.
This isn’t a big deal so long as it’s not people that really mean a lot to you. For instance, if your bestie’s girlfriend and the ex get along great, then it makes sense they’d hang out together. If she starts going on double dates with her new fella and the two of them, it might be a different story though…
Best way to handle this: You both keep your friends, just attend different social events
If your friends are now firmly her friends too and you want to handle things in the most amicable way possible, then you’re just going to have to divvy up social events. You can either collaborate with her on it (less than ideal), or leave it up to your friends to do it themselves.
If you have good friends, then they’ll consider it a bit of pain not being able to invite you both to the same events for a while, but they’ll accept that it needs to be done. Eventually, sometime later down the track, you’ll be able to attend the same events without it being an issue for either of you – once you’re both completely over the breakup (for advice on the best way to do it try our quick quiz). Who knows, you might even one day be friends with your ex.
She is Making It Hard to Breakup
Breaking up with a girlfriend was never going to be easy, but man! Some girls make it damn near impossible! Is your Mrs making life a misery and you want out – but she’s not letting you? Take our quick quiz to learn the best way to do it first before checking out some common issues and solutions.
There are a few common scenarios that we’ve seen play out in relationships, and even encountered them ourselves. Which one describes why you’re have a hard time breaking up with her? P.S. We’ve got the solutions here with some great break up advice too!
Issue #1: The girl is highly emotional and you stay together to avoid her melting down
When you’re dealing with a woman who is, shall we say, a little emotionally unstable, then breaking up can be extremely difficult. On the one hand, you really want to end this thing, and on the other, if you do try and end it properly then she might just go off the deep end. You don’t even know what this chick is capable of! She might even be the type that threatens self-harm if you leave – a more common scenario than you’d think.
This is what’s known as emotional blackmail and is an extremely difficult situation to be in, one that you’ll need to take precaution to handle correctly. While you obviously care a great deal about her emotional (and physical) wellbeing, at some point you need to realise that your own mental health and wellbeing needs to take a front seat. If you are sure the relationship is over, then it’s time to break up – for good.
The solution: Believe it or not, chatting to a therapist yourself is often a good way to approach this particular problem. By outlining your full situation, they will be help you come up with the best strategy to break up. Next, you should line up her family (or friends, if she’s not close with her family) to take care of her after the break up. They will have at least some idea of the kind of support she will need to make it through this trying time. And finally, break up with her, taking her squarely to family or friends directly after – then cut all contact.
Issue #2: She’s not listening to you
Tried to break up a bunch of times but she’s not having a bar of it? You have a deflector on your hand then. This kind of girl will have you feeling very confused. “Didn’t I have it set in my mind that we’d be broken up by the end of the day? How come we’re watching Netflix on the couch again?”
This is the type of girl that will say, “But we have Steve and Jen’s wedding coming up!”, or “We’re going to South America is a month though!”. You might have even seen the Seinfeld episode (“The Strong Box S09E14) about a girl just like this – George’s girlfriend Maura who refuses to agree with his breakup. In it, George decides that cheating on his gf and getting caught is the perfect way out. Of course it backfires when the 2 women agree they can work through it. The best way to break up is never by taking George’s life advice (although we commend him on his work advice and installing a bed under your desk…
The solution: Want to know when to break up? Now. Leave. If you live together, simply take your things while she’s out one day and GTFO. Make sure that you leave a note, as well as have funds transferred to her, etc. for sorting out your affairs, plus contact a friend or family member of hers to let them know about the situation.
If you don’t live together? Cut contact. Break up (for the final time, over text if necessary), then block her on social media, ignore her texts or calls, and don’t answer the door if she comes around. If ghosting is the only way for her to get the message, then so be it – in this case.
Issue #3: She keeps saying she’ll work on things (and she does, briefly)
In some relationships, the reason that you want to break up is because she has too many flaws that she isn’t prepared to work on. We aren’t talking about something like being chubby, or not keeping on top of her household chores, we’re talking deal breaker life flaws. These would be things like if she is an alcoholic or drug addict, she keeps cheating, or she keeps spending way more than she is making. These are all addictive behaviours that can be difficult to break.
That’s not to say that the cycle can’t be broken, however it takes a willingness on her behalf, as well as deep motivation and support to overcome these addictions. If she keeps saying that she’ll work on these behaviours, and then does for a while, but continually relapses, then at some point it’s time to pull the plug.
The solution: This one is a tricky one, because you obviously still love her. Her attempting to kick her addictive habit time and again is proof that she loves you too. But eventually you will need to end the relationship, both for your own sanity, as well as for her benefit too.
Heading down the counselling route (yourself) can be a good idea if you would really like to stay with her. A counsellor can help you to be more encouraging as a partner in her kicking the habit. However, if you’ve had enough, then it’s simply time to end it. You’ve given it your best shot. Take our simple quiz and find out the best way to do it. And who knows, after the break up without her safety net (that’s you!) she will be able to quit once and for all.
Signs You Should Breakup
You’re unsettled, you’re frustrated, and you’re wondering if it’s all worth it. You keep going for walks but your mind is still clouded… How to know when to break up? You can take our quick quiz to figure out how to do it first or keep reading to discover the signs.
“Should I break up with my girlfriend or shouldn’t I? I love her but I don’t know if I can be with her… Should we break up?”
You might ask your mates for relationship advice, you might write a list of pros and cons. Ultimately, it’s whether you can work through the issues the two of you have – or whether it’s time to give up the ghost.
Each relationship is unique and only you know the full story. But there are some very strong indicators when it’s time to break up – so here are the 3 big ones… Is this your relationship?
You’re always arguing
It’s purely natural to have a little tiff every here and there – everyone does! However, if you are one of those couples that are always blowing up at each other then that’s some danger right there. Arguments over little things, in front of friends, or that last for hours (or days… or weeks…) are not healthy. People in fiery relationships often say that they love the high highs, but you’re still getting those low lows. Do your mental health a favour and escape the cycle – this is one of those real signs to break up.
You have conflicting views on major life choices
There are some things in relationships that are deal breakers – if you are going to be together long term, that is. For instance, if you disagree about wanting children, have differing strong religious views, or have alternative lifestyle choices, these are all things that are going to be an issue later. When people hold fixed life views it is often the case that they won’t change their mind on the matter. If your girlfriend is looking forward to having children in a few years and you are adamant that you never want them, this is only going to cause heartbreak later.
One or both of you are continually cheating
It’s fair to say that cheating is often a cause of some of the biggest conflicts in a relationship. Now, how people choose to either deal (or not deal!) with cheating is a very individual experience. For some, even just one incident by their partner is enough to end a relationship forever. For others, they can forgive and forget one time, and sometimes even more. However, it’s safe to say that if one of you is continually cheating in the relationship, then something is seriously wrong. If an open relationship isn’t on the table, then it’s time to break it off for good.
Or should you give it one last crack?
Of course, these aren’t always relationship ending events. If there is still love there, then choosing to attend couples’ therapy is always an option. Though it’s not guaranteed to work, giving it one last shot might be an idea worth exploring if you’re both still open to it it – otherwise use our quick quiz to find out the best way to break it off.
When to Run!
Debating about whether to break it off with your lady friend? Looking for some warning signs that clearly say R.U.N.? Take our small quiz if you want to break up with her and want to know the best way to
do it or read on for our signs on when to run…
Well, they say not to stick your d*ck in crazy, but look, sometimes we can’t help it! Or – more often – you can’t tell she’s crazy until later… unless you have the insider information, which we’ve got here! Does any of these sound like her?
She posts everything on Facebook…
…Especially passive aggressive status updates that are aimed at *someone* but who…? Is it you? Some friend she’s fallen out with? Who knows…
“Sarah is sick of everything and just wants to scream!!!”
“Sarah is super pissed off. Some people just don’t know how to be nice.”
She’ll have the “U ok hun?” couple of replies but that’s about it. Oh and you’ll also have the odd “Chillin with ma besties eeeee! <3 <3 <3” from her, or a zillion selfies with her dog or cat… This girl screams needy. And that screams… You. Need. To. Run.
Arguments over strange, insignificant things
Does she flip her lid over weird stuff? Like if you bought her roses instead of lilies and she burst into tears because it was the wrong ones – even if you had no idea and had never even bought her flowers before? Or maybe you cleaned the shower before you cleaned the sink and she started going off, “That’s not the way you do it OMG I can’t believe you!”
You know, things that make you go hmmmm (as the song says!).
While this sort of behaviour can be explained if her period is on its way (that’s PMS for you), if it’s all the time then it’s just not normal – a high indicator of emotional instability. If you aren’t already invested in the relationship, then make a dash for it and run.
She “hates drama”
This one is an easy one to miss at first – however the warning signs are usually clear. She says that she hates drama? How many people do you know in your life currently that have “drama”? Just what exactly is that drama? Generally, you’ll find the woman that hates drama in fact, attracts drama – everywhere she goes, simply by the way that she is.
If you want to have to deal with crazy ex boyfriends, her so called “friends” stealing things from her, her getting in a fight with you and just disappearing all weekend, etc., etc. then be our guest – don’t say we didn’t warn you, because we said RUN!
“Did I see you look at that woman’s breasts walking past?” “It looked like you were flirting with Emily.” “I need to have access to your phone so I can check you’re not texting anyone else.”
What in the holy heck, Batman?! This is not normal behaviour. Yes, if you always go out of your way to check out women on the street while you’re walking with her it might be an issue. Maybe if you actually were flirting with Emily and you had intent or flirt a lot there might be an issue. And no there is never any reason to hand over your passwords or access! Your phone and accounts are your personal headspace – if you want to tell her about mundane conversations you’re having with your mum or interesting ones with your best mates that’s up to you. She doesn’t need to read everything herself.
On the other hand, of course, if you are cheating, well then… hey buddy, maybe own up.
She thinks you’re someone you’re not
Maybe you’ve built up this image of yourself on Instagram that shows you as a beach loving, champagne guzzling jetsetter – but really you only do that a few times a year for a couple of weekends when you’re blowing off steam. Or perhaps she just has this idea in her head of who you are and it doesn’t match up with your real self. This image is probably the “dream man” she has conjured in her head (and of course you’re him, duh!). Either way, if you are not the man that she believes you to be – and if she’s not interested in the real you – then it’s time to ruuuuun! You want a girl that’s interested in you for who you truly are.
Discover the perfect advice on how to break up with any one of these potential nightmare women in our quick quiz.
Why Are You Back in This Situation Again? Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes!
This again. You promised this wouldn’t happen again. And yet here you are. Different girl, same problems. How could you be so dumb? Why didn’t you learn last time? Did you use our quick quiz to find out the best way to break up with this girl?
Ok, so they say that people have a type. This may be true. But that doesn’t mean that your type needs to be the type that’ll have you always tearing your hair out. What if you’re attracted to the wrong type of girl?
So it’s time to break up with your girl. Your friends were a little surprised (or not surprised) when you made a play for her – “ha, she reminds me of [ex’s name here]”. You though she was freaking amazing. Until she wasn’t. Until she was just like your ex. And the same reason things didn’t work out with your ex is the same reasons it’s not working out with her.
It’s time to break up. You know that. But how do you stop from falling into the same lady-traps next time? Let’s take a look at how to identify your next would-be ex-girlfriend before you commit to the wrong girl – again!
Identify common personality traits.
What is it about these girls that you keep going for? Is it that she walks a different path to the rest of the world? You can’t resist a round booty in a tight dress? Maybe you’re one who loves to “save” girls you think need saving.
The commonalities between the girls you keep going for, even though that’s what draws you to them, may well be what is always going to be their downfall in your relationship. Identifying these traits and deciding to just keep it casual with the next girl like this (or not even go there at all) is going to save you the trauma next time around.
Don’t just “fall into” a relationship.
Once you’re single again, you need to identify the traits in a partner that you need to ensure longevity, as well as the traits that will encourage you to be a better person (and definitely not Captain-Save- A-Ho). Make a mental or actual list of these (semi) deal breaker qualities and don’t sway from it when you meet a potential partner. You’ll thank us in the long run.
Your list might include items like, “doesn’t drink”, “likes to travel”, or “isn’t more than 5 years younger than me”. Make sure to keep them in mind when you’re dating so that you don’t fall into the same traps again.
It can also be the case that you are what you attract. If you find yourself constantly attracting the “wrong type” of woman and that she’s “just too much” you might want to take a look at yourself too. Are there strong qualities in her that you dislike in yourself? What kind of a man am I? What kind of people do I attract? It might be time to work on your own issues instead of trying to avoid them in potential partners.
Don’t get stuck on repeat. You’re only fooling yourself and you’re only wasting time with someone who isn’t going to work out – yet again. Use our quiz to find out the best way to break up with her.
Getting Yourself Back into the Dating Game
For some people, it’s easy to just start dating again straight away. You take our quick quiz for advice on how to break up with your girlfriend and you think you’ll be able to jump right back in – but that may not be the case. Your recent ex might even jump straight back on the dating bandwagon, rebound dating, much to your horror. Each person is different when it comes to the time that they feel is the right to date again. A month, three months, six months, a year? Two years? Want to know when to start dating after a breakup or how long after a breakup to start dating? Whenever!
At some point it becomes time to put yourself out there again, ready or not. Getting back into the dating game can be tough, especially if it has been a long time since you dated, or if you feel you’re not quite over your ex just yet.
Believe it or not, knowing yourself is the biggest key to getting yourself back in the dating game. Let’s check out how to start dating again….
Don’t even try?
Think you’re ready to start dating again? Great! Forget about dating! Go out there and have some fun!
While it might sound like strange advice, if you are out there in your element, enjoying the things that you like, then you’re much more likely to attract someone good for you while doing so. Maybe you’re at a festival, tearing up a storm on the dancefloor: your ideal dance (life?) partner might approach you. You give the local dungeons and dragons group a go, a month later your real dream Rogue girl rocks up. You start not being a sad-sack at social events with your friends and girls on the periphery aren’t counselling you on your breakup – they’re laughing at your jokes.
Like attracts like, and when you’re confident, happy, and ready to date it’ll show – and you’ll be attractive to her without even trying.
Date with the mindset of exploring yourself!
When you are keen to start meeting other girls, rather than them just fluttering towards you like a moth, then online dating – via dating sites and apps like Tinder, OkCupid, etc. – can be a good move, if you play it right. And how’s that, you say?
Well, forget about setting up these dates with the idea in mind that you might meet your next partner, or even just your next fling. Forger about how to have a good first date. Make it yours! You should approach each date as an opportunity to meet someone new (they might end up as a friend, and a great one at that!), and try out a new place or activity. Use it as a chance to explore!
By allowing yourself to meet different people, go to different places, and to do different things, you may end up opening yourself up to a world you never dreamed possible – whether the girl you meet up with is the girl of your dreams or otherwise isn’t the point.
The key to dating again is not yearning for love. It’s not going to get you anywhere pleasant. Keep this in mind when it’s time to date again (make sure you get the right advice on how to break up with your current one in our quiz first) and you’ll eventually stumble across the right girl for you.
How to Break Up with a Stage Five Clinger
Wow. As if breaking up wasn’t tough enough, she’s just making it a thousand times worse.
Sometimes you go to break up with someone they just won’t get the picture! Did you try our quick quiz to find out the best way to break up with your girlfriend first? They argue, plead, beg, and promise… and if you don’t really put your foot down, you’ll find yourself caving, giving in, and stuck (still) in this, well, mess.
Rather than just saying man up like some of your mates might (yeah, they don’t quite understand
what she’s like!), we thought we better arm you with the tools to make the break up stick. Read on and apply to your situation as necessary – this is how to break up with someone who doesn’t want to break up.
Stay firm in your resolution
Now is not the time to be the caring and concerted friend that you may be (much, much) later down
the track. When it is time to break up and have the talk you need to play it cold and detached, otherwise you run the risk of giving in to her when she is tugging on your heartstrings. Try to look at her in a different way, or check out Robert Pattinson in Cosmopolis for tips on acting cold.
Outline your reasons for breaking up clearly and without prejudice. Having reasons will ensure she isn’t wailing “whyyyy” to you, her friends, or her family afterwards.
Create a firm physical presence.Not only should you be firm in your words, be firm in your physical presence too – remember that your body language speaks volumes. If she notices that your body language is a little bit soft then
she may interpret it as that there is still a chance the two of you can work it out.
It pays to stand up to have the conversation, with some room between you, and keep a wide eyed expression and straight face. The colder that you are in your body language, the easier this will be on her, believe it or not.
Have everything ready to go after your chat If she is making it hard to break up, you will need to leave directly after the talk, and put some space between the two of you for at least a week afterwards – with no contact. If you live together, make sure you have enough stuff and a place to stay (or organise for her to go with friends/family in advance), and then ignore any contact from her for at least the week.
Don’t give in. It’s easy to do, but you can get through this if you remain resolute. Your happiness is in your own hands – and your own happiness is more important than hers. Put yourself first. And if you need extra help on how to break up then don’t forget to give our simple quiz a spin.
Breaking the Breakup-Makeup Cycle
Breaking up then making up. Getting back with an ex a cycle that’s often bound for disaster. And it’s more common than you think, with between 30 and 50% of couples having been through the process at least once before. Breaking it off for good is often the best answer – you can take our simple quiz to find out the best way to break up with her for the last time or read on for more info
about these type of relationships and why they’re more often than not doomed.
On-off relationships are what’s known in scientific circles as cycling relationships: where a couple breaks up and then renews a relationship again. And studies like “The Impact of Premarital Cycling on Early Marriage” show that couples who break up and make up have a more vulnerable relationship with more negative implications, extending many years into the future (if they stay together) vs. couples who don’t “cycle”.
“We broke up and got back together…”
It never seems like the worst idea, getting back together after a break up with your ex – otherwise you wouldn’t do it. We end up getting back together because we think this time around maybe things will be different. We can see that they’re a better person or have changed their ways (or you have) and that will make our relationship work – because that was the stumbling block. Now, more often than not, you’re just going to wind up breaking up again. You (or she) will go back to old behaviours, or the change in behaviour isn’t enough to keep the relationship going. While every now and then everything has changed and things are wonderful, this often isn’t the case.
Let’s just put it this way: on-again off-again couples are – more often than not – destined for failure, no matter how much love the two of you share.
Why do we need to break the cycle?
The breakup-makeup cycle isn’t only bad for you because the end result is generally one that doesn’t involve being together, it’s bad for you because it’s a rollercoaster of emotion. Every. Single. Time.
You break up; it’s sad, and poignant, and heartbreaking. You get back together; it’s a rush, you’re so happy, it’s meant to be (finally!). But then time goes by, you start arguing, you see they’re still the same, you’re angry and disappointed… finally you break up again… and then… start it again…
It’s exhausting. These are unhealthy relationships.
But you can break the breakup-makeup cycle. Don’t be Justin and Selena.
If you are currently with your partner (ex partner?) who you have broken up with more than once then it might be time to end it for good. Even though things might be looking peachy at the moment is disaster around the corner? These things have a history of repeating themselves.
How to break up with someone you love for good
Stop torturing yourself and your partner. The next time that you and your partner break up, make it the last. You both deserve better than this existentialist merry-go- round. You’ve tried many times to fix it and it just isn’t working, so the truth of the matter is that it’s time to move on. Take our quick
quiz to find out the best way to break up with her for good.
Cut ties if you can, unfollow them on social media, throw yourself into a new hobby, take a holiday.
Try and extricate yourself as much from them as you can. Chatting to them, or being constantly reminded of them could have you lighting that flame again. And if you’re bound to communication, via a child, shared assets, or workplace, try and draw the line as much as you can. It makes things easier.
Stay strong. You will find love and a healthy relationship – it’s just unlikely to be with them.
Dealing with the Grief After a Breakup
If you’ve never experienced grief after a breakup, the intense emotions you feel can come as a very unwelcome surprise – even if you are the one ending a relationship. If you’re thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend, take our simple quiz to find out the best way to do it – then continue reading for steeling yourself for the potential aftermath.
Although you might prepare yourself for a breakup, the feel afterwards might not be exactly what you predicted. Sure, you might have known all along that breaking up was the right thing to do. That doesn’t mean that you won’t experience deep feelings of loss and break up pain afterwards. While some people are happy to have an ex out of their hair, for others there will be grief rather than relief, and for others even some combination of the two.
Grieving a relationship
Grief is an emotion that is typically experienced as a sadness that lasts from several days to a few months, often sharing symptoms common with depression. The way that each of us experience and work through grief is different.
Are you finding that you are dealing with intense feelings of grief following a break up that refuse to go away? Relationship rumination is the term for dwelling on your past relationship. If you are a person who dwells on past experiences, playing them through in your head again, you are more likely to do this about a relationship, too. Letting go of the relationship, even if deep down you know it wasn’t right, can be incredibly tough. Grief can make you feel lousy about yourself, the world, life, the future, and more. It really is a lousy feeling – and can progress into depression in some cases.
Here we give some techniques which will help you to progress through your grief and come out the other side more swiftly and with less heartache. Ultimately, it’s how to heal a broken heart.
Mental tips to stop thinking about your ex
One of the ways in which grief can persist is through the mind bringing up positive thoughts of your ex – which can make you upset or second think your breakup. One exercise that psychologists suggest you use is to mentally say “stop” or make a mental red cross over the thought and move on to thinking something different. Practicing this helps stop rumination.
You may have heard the term mindfulness before. The state of mindfulness is when you are truly living in the present, having thoughts and feelings arise but just observing them rather than judging them or examining them. When you are practicing mindfulness, you might start feeling yourself drawn down a path of thought – but you should just return to the present.
The practice of mindfulness is a foundation of Buddhism and is a tool used in the path to help achieve an enlightened state. While this might sound a little out there, the mindfulness technique has been shown to reduce rumination in various studies. A suggestion is to follow this Introduction to Mindfulness Meditation, which is part of a wider series of Introduction to Meditation.
Write about it
Research also suggests that writing following the end of a relationship can help to work through your feelings. You might find that in the process of writing about your breakup you unlock feelings that you didn’t know you had, and you can explore them in a different way.
You don’t need to journal every day. Simply write about your feelings and associations whenever you feel that you’re a little overwhelmed. Write until you’ve exhausted your psyche for cathartic release.
These are just a few techniques that have been proven to help deal with grief after a break up. You can find a more exhaustive list of techniques that work in this document from McGill University’s Counselling services – Surviving A Relationship Break-Up – Top 20 Strategies. You will emerge from grief. Letting go of a relationship may take time, but it will come.
Head on over to our quiz to find out the best way to break up with your girlfriend. Once you’ve started the ball rolling you can start dealing with your emotions in the best way possible.
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